Jun 262013
 

In part 2 of our “Phoning a Friend” series Josh Mann of the blog, Something’s Fishy, educates me on the finer points of fatherhood.  Trust me there is some sage advice below!

Kids

Kids

Ah , fatherhood. It has a nice ring to it , eh? It is the most wonderful and terrifying thing that can happen to a man at almost any age. I’ve been in the trenches for the last decade or so , and I bring to the table experience and wisdom far beyond my years. It has been passed to me by those that have gone before , and it is a right of passage that I am here now to spread the word. You see , many young men are frightened by the prospect of life in the ‘hood , fatherhood that is , and rightfully so. Gone are the carefree days of youth , the frolicking with supple young maidens a thing of distant memory. I take great pleasure in telling young men the truth , because for far too long television commercials and sitcoms have lied to us about all the things our children can and will do.

Kids.

The truth

“Wait a second , I didn’t think it would be so bad? I mean it didn’t seem so bad in all those Parenting magazines my wife made me read , right?”…. Well , it’s not sooo bad, especially if chasing a drunken midget through your house at all hours of the night and day while simultaneously trying to keep him from puking on and destroying your  favorite things or hurting himself and others is your idea of a good time. Not so bad at all.

Chasing a drunken midget...

Chasing a drunken midget…

“But my wife and I have a great relationship. We are a team. That makes it easier , right?” Nope. Any attempt at meaningful conversation will soon be reduced to wonderful things like ” Honeydoodle , why does the baby have crap between his shoulder blades and down to his knees , and when did we get puke green cushions for the sofa ?” and the ever popular ,” Snookerdumplin , if I step on one more Lego in the middle of the night , or find another soggy Cheeto under the coffee table , I will castrate you in your sleep. Count on it.” Kids can test the limits of your patience and sanity.

More cheese doodles... now clown!

More cheese doodles clown!

” Oh , but hey , we have a great sex life. That’s good , right?” AHhahAHHAHhAHAHAhhahahA , oh God , my sides. A sex life after kids? You’re joking ? Oh , you’re not… Let me just say that I hope you have soft hands , an active imagination , and a quiet place to cry while you think about what you just did and your sex life before kids came along and ruined EVERYTHING. Time alone for one parent is rare , time alone for both is the stuff of legend. Even if you manage to eek out a few minutes of alone time , you’ll both be too tired or otherwise preoccupied. Sorry.

You and mommy want alone time?

You and mommy want alone time?

“Uh , shoot , um , at least I have hobbies! Those are fun. Like fishing , right? I mean , you do that right?” Nope. All you have is lost. There is no hope , only a reign of terror from a tiny overlord remains. Do you like to fish? Forget it pal , hooks are dangerous and baby could end up in the big drink before he knows how to swim. He could also get sunburned , stung by a bee , poison ivy or a hundred other things.

” Well then Mr. Smartypants blogger , just how in the blue balled son of Tickle-Me-Elmo am I ever gonna survive having a kid!?!?!?!!!”

How am I going to survive having kids?

How am I going to survive having kids?

…………………..

Ahem…I lied.

Kids are easy , tougher than you think , and a ton of fun. See , the thing about kids that most people get wrong is assuming they are raising kids. Probably the wisest thing I’ve ever heard is that raising kids should instead be called raising adults. Treat them like the people you want them to be , respect them , ask them questions , answer theirs , show them the world around them , teach them to respect others , teach them about dignity. I’m a crazy middle aged man , but I can tell you for sure that I have two of the best kids around. Because I spend time with them. We do my thing , which is mainly fishing , and then we do their thing , which is fishing a lot of the time too. Kids love to be outside doing anything , even when they are very young! The big thing to remember is to make it fun for them , and to make whatever you choose to do accessible to the child.

Get a sun-shade-thingy for babies , and a bottle of SPF-50 and get out there! Don’t forget snacks , bait , fishing rods , cold drinks for everyone , and whatever else. Your new baby will be thankful , and so will you. The ladies love you for it too.

I think I speak for a lot of people in the blogging community when I say : ” Congratulations Mr. & Mrs. Fishaholic on the birth of your son , and best wishes to the three of you in the future. I can’t wait to see little Functioning’s first fish!!!”

JM ,  ~ www.somefishblog.com ~

 

So what do you think about parenthood?  Is this fool-hearty fisherman’s sex life over?  Let us know in the comments below!

 

 

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  • jigmax1

    A good article by my best friend Josh Mann. He is a great father with 2 awesome kids.

  • River Mud

    For us, each stage has been less frantic, more confusing, but more fun than the stage before it. If I could break it down off the top of my head it’d be something like first 24 hours, first week, first month, 160 days (sleeping through the night), 1 year (walking), 2 years (talking), 3 years (tiny dictator who shouts things at you like, “I WANT TO CONVALESCE!!!!”…shudder….). Several friends told me that another one was right around 3.5 years old for boys when they learn a little patience….I’m not so sure. Birthday #4 is right around the corner…..39 inches tall and 33 pounds. He’s somethin’ all right.

  • Leigh

    And then one day, when your daughter is around 7, you’ll take her to the local Lion’s Club fishing derby for kids. You will stand in the pouring rain, holding an umbrella over her while she casts, until she catches 22 fish and wins the tournament hands down. She will pose with the new Cabelas spinning outfit that she won, and you will be proud.

    The next year she will describe worms as “gross” and have nothing to do with it.

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